Moody gold, dodgy cheese and a cheesy foreigner...

Well, its been a busy week and a fairly social weekend but I finally got round to it ... have just finished Sunday afternoon High Tea (will explain another time) and am about to sit back and enjoy Sharpe's Waterloo (which im sure is a type of dysentery over here) so thought it would be an ideal time to reflect on what life affirming events the week has offered...

I have been fairly trigger happy with the camera this week so will be furnishing you with a few of my favourite pics ..and maybe even a video...that is of course if the broadband recovers enough to be able to upload one .... its sub prime at the best of times but today has been utter shite, even by Indian standards!

I thought I would kick of this week with a few snaps of Mahal Bridges.  These photos are of my building, my apartment lounge and of course, the boudoir...


OK, now for the week's highlights.....


.... i'll start with last Saturday and my first adventure into Sobo.  btw, sobo is what they tend to call South Bombay here, its not just me being a ponce.

you really start to get a feel for the size of this city when you try and get from one end to the other.... I was with Avi and Preeya and the plan was to head to Chor Bazaar, which is a massive area of flea market shops and stalls..

We decided to slum it (excuse the pun) and use the public transport.. in this case, the train.  The station was dirty and stupidly busy, with traders peddling their wares all over.  I do have to question the marketing strategy of some of these guys though, as there was one with a stand selling small models of commericial aircraft.... needless to say he wasnt shifting any...  What he failed to consider was that the chances of someone walking through a dirty, busy, sweaty train station thinking 'I could really do with a scale replica of a BA 747-400 right about now' are pretty slim...Now personally, I would have probably gone for either selling model trains in a train station (at least then its relevent, although still completely useless) ... or if model planes is all you have to sell, then the airport may be a better place to flog them.

Anyway, as the train came into the heaving platform, there was the familiar scent of london tube platform tactics in the air as every man and his dog (in some cases, literally) scrambled to secure prime location to dive through the train door when it finally stopped... there was also another familiar scent in the air which i believe is most likely down to the fact that deodorant appears to be on the controlled substances list over here!

Now the train doors alone are worth noting... and indeed finding, as they appreared to have been removed from the entire train on both sides.  It was a real health and safety nightmare as people were bulging out sides, hanging on to the grab rails for dear life as we departed the platform.  There definitely used to be doors by the look of it so I can only assume that the executive decision was made at some point to remove them in order to be able to maximise the capacity of the train.  

Now this is just one of many instances where I have had the pleasure of witnessing Indian logic and efficiency at its very best... 

Anyway, we arrive at Chor Bazaar, specifically the main street which I believe is called Mutton Street.  This place is like Brick Lane on crack ... you can buy literally anything old from almost anyone. One guy was flogging old war cannons, and another was trying to flog a sofa, whist his own goat was eating it!!! The whole visual experience was accompanied by a strong whiff of fine tandoori chicken in the air from one of the many food stalls.  I must admit it looked appealing but I was going no where near.. it had a weeks worth of bum wee written all over it!

After a while, we came across a guy selling old watches.  I was pretty interested as I had been thinking getting a new watch for a while.  He had some old swiss watches and after whipping the back off one and seeing the ruby encrusted movement, it realised they were the real deal.  some 10 minutes of negotiations later, I walked away with a 1965 Tissot for about 25 quid (left).  Got it back to the flat and searched the hallmark and serial number from inside only to discover that the casing is 14k gold and the movement contains 17 rubys... result.  It works ok but needs some tlc to restore it to former glory..

Oh yeah, also saw some eunuchs, knocking on doors or cars stuck in traffic and scaring drivers into giving them money.  Im going to actively seek them again to get a picture for a future update...

Last sunday was pretty subdued (as a result of being leathered on Saturday night) so I will give you the highlights of the working week:

Monday - attended the British Business Group in the evening, a networking event in Sobo where ex-pat businessmen go to chow down on the preverbal corporate pole.  To be fair, I did pick up some decent contacts there and will certainly go again but there is a limit to how much business card speed dating I can take in one evening so bailed at a reasonable hour and went home for a cold shower.

Tuesday - highlight was probably seeing a pimped out Ricky outside work (right).  This baby was sporting a crazy set of window wipers, what i can only describe as a trumpet stuck on the side and some evil looking bladed rims that look like they are geared up to mangle the ankles of pedestrians or seriously fuck up someone's car in the midtown traffic jams.  Either way, class on a  stick.   

What you may also notice is that the uber-cool (and completely unconscious) ricky driver's feet are hanging out of the vehicle.  

As for the rest of the week, I feel like I spent much of my time dodging cheese.  Its taken me until Friday this week to find a decent place that will sell me meat related food.  Up until that point, I had to deal with the local purveyors of fine vegetarian food, or as I like to call then... the Paneer Pushers.

Dont get me wrong, the quality of the food is still outstanding but when you walk into a curry house, you do not expect the following to occur:

1.   You arrive, walk up to counter, ask what decent chicken or lamb currys they do to take out.

2.   Be told that they dont sell 'non-veg'. 

3.   No problem, pick a veggie dish... the waiter tells you not to have it.  he doesnt give you reason (i mean, why should he?!)

4.   He suggests a Paneer dish... you tell him i dont like paneer

5.   He tells you its cottage cheese and is just like Chicken.  Now thats utter bollocks because:

 A - Paneer is nothing like cottage cheese... you cannot fry cottage cheese but you can fry paneer (why you would want to fry cheese currently escapes me, but they love it here) ...

and 

B - Cottage cheese is the least chicken-like substance known to man! I don't care where you buy your chicken or whether it is as battery as an Eveready AAA, I guarantee you it will not resemble cottage cheese!

6.    So you carry on and pick another dish, labelled Vegetable Jaipuri... this time the waiter is magnanimous enough to accept your choice, stops back-lipping you and goes to sort out to order.

7.   15 mins later, he gives you your bag and you go home to get stuck into your vegetable curry sensation....

8.   You plate up and settle in to watch telly and enjoy your veggie cuzza with a nice can of Kingfisher

9.   You take your first bite and know straight away that something is wrong.... you cant be sure what... is it chicken you can taste? No.. Is it cottage cheese you can taste?... No.. its f*cking Paneer, simple as that!!! 

Now that is just malicious, isnt it?

I intend to call up on a revenge technique I conceived several years ago when I suspected my Nottingham home was being turned into a squat by vegan hippies.  It involves frag grenades made out of raw minced beef.

Other than this, I have had a work mate take me to a place that more or less only sells Paneer and forces me to eat it and have also been stung by two work lunch tiffin boxes.  I know I praised the tiffin box in my last update, and I do genuinely like them other than their one flaw.... the fact that you cant request the contents, you just open it up at the table and find what you are going to eat.  Its exciting but you always run the risk of your tiffin being a paneer filled trojan horse....  

Now I would like to talk a little further about Indian efficiency ... this will most likely be a common theme in many updates as im finding examples in all kinds ok places.

The example of the week is the office cleaner ... not to mistaken with Manuel, who is a seperate person altogether.  The cleaner, lets call him Mr Muscle for now, has a work ethic that seems to follow the same physical properties of gas... this may sound strange so I will explain:

A gas, by nature, will expand to fill the container in which it is placed.  Likewise, any task given to Mr Muscle will expand to fill whatever time is available, in most cases, the entire working day or week.

For example, Mr Muscle was tasked with giving the chairs in the office a wipe over.  Now there are, by my reckoning, about 60 chairs in the office.  With a cloth, I could wipe a chair in about two-three minutes,  lets go for a conservative estimate and call it three.  In which case you are looking at about a rate of 20 chairs per hour and a total effort of 3 hours to do the lot.... you would imagine anyway... but Mr Muscle sees things differently..

... he knows that if he finishes the chairs in a half day then two things will happen:

1. He will have to do something else with the rest of his time
2. He will be expected to do it in half a day next time

Well, that is not how 'The Muscle' rolls ... so he seemingly makes the task stretch out, for the best part of two days!!!

And how does he do this i hear you ask? ... simple really ... he uses a F*cking toothbrush and spends approximately 25 minutes on each chair !!! NOT REQUIRED

There is no illusion that his entire job is a couple of hours per day tops but as his role most likely costs very little to the business, it doesnt really matter.  People seem to be the lowest value commodity over here (at least in certain jobs).  It is, therfore, a bizarre truth that inefficiency genuinely does seem to pay in India.

 

OK, rant over, I thought I would just share a few more photos with you:

First off, as promised ...  here is one of the notorious Rickshaw TB stickers. 

Incidentally, this week I had the pleasure of watching one of my ricky driver's hock on the floor of his own vehicle.  i didnt even bad an eyelid.. you just become de-sensitised to it all after a while..

This one is pure class ...  I assume the sign warns of the peanalties associated with the antisocial activities of (right to left); pissing against a wall, flobbing (or maybe vomiting) in the street and throwing banana skins/ninja forks in the street.  An interesting point here is that, according to the sign, the latter two of these ASBO-worthy activities also involve sporting some kind of toliet brush holder in the left hand.

This is just a classic shot of typical Mumbai traffic ... I absolutely love the weird handpowered lowrider tricycle!

A shot of, potentially the most ridiculous looking  health centre known to man.  Its called the 'Free Medical Camp'  ...

Seriously, MRSA would be the least of your worries ...

This is my tailor ... He did tell me his name, but, foir obvious reasons, I will be calling him Penfold going forward. 

He is busy working on turning up a pair of Levis for me at this very moment

This next guy is a bonifide moron.  I have no idea what he is trying to achieve by standing in the middle of this busy road

And I leave you this week with the most amazing news ..  Mumbai truly has arrived as a cultural and musical epicentre ... yesterday marked the landmark music event of the year so far in this amazing city ...

.. Ladies and gentlement, I give you the one.. the only... Foreigner.

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend however, I have not ruled out an domestic flight to catch them on the next leg of their Indian tour..





Anyway, hope you all have a great week, look after yourselves and remember not to eat the salad!


Gray